Endurance.

Music is just about the only thing that is keeping me sane at this point. School is already stressful as hell and I've only been back for two weeks.

I'd like everyone to know that I didn't cut last night. I'd also like everyone to know that I hate not being in control of my mind sometimes.
Part of me thinks that maybe if I go to a psych ward and get some help, that I can deal and get better. But another part of me knows that even if I go in, what do I say? How can I tell THEM what I'm thinking and what bothers me and all that shit, if I don't even know myself?
I don't understand why I do the things I do sometimes. I don't enjoy it...trust me, I don't. It's hard to be me...even though my life is so much better than a lot of other people. I know that for a fact. But the way I handle things and the way I deal with things is what makes it so hard on me. My personality just wants to rebel against EVERYTHING, right or wrong. It's annoying but I don't know how to change.

Also, I kind of wish my dad would read this. I still hate him for everything that he's put me through and I hate that he still won't fully accept responsibility and that he still partially blames me--or maybe fully, I don't know. But I feel like if everything he keeps saying is true, things might be okay? I just don't know.