Dad

You fucked up. Really bad.  You'll have to work much harder to fix it.

Crashing.

It's getting really hard to hold onto reasons not to do stupid things. It's getting really hard to keep trying. And it's getting really hard not to just say fuck it to everything and end it.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have no one else to turn to but him and I don't even know if he'll be around for much longer. I'm scared for myself. I feel like admitting myself might be a good idea but I don't know how we would pay for it. What about the rumors at school? What about my friends? What about him? This year is really hard and I don't know if I can handle it much more. I can't stand all the fighting. I can't keep up with the work. I just want to get away. I want to get out. I want to be alone. I want to fall asleep without crying. I want my old life back. I want to be innocent and dependent. I want to be a kid again. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I can't keep everyone happy anymore. I don't know how much more of this I can take before I completely fall apart. Before I crash.

Broken.

I got almost all of my homework done tonight. It feels weird, but it feels good.
I pour my heart out here, and anyone who reads it does not have the right to hold it against me.
I want to be a different person in some aspects of my life but it's hard.
I'm not quite sure what to do now that he's read it. I want to plead and cry and try to tell him everything he's said that is flawed, but to each their own.
I'm not sure how I'll handle everything seeing as I'll have school, work, and youth group, plus other random things in my schedule soon enough. It's gonna be hard, but I think I can manage.
My emotions are in a whirlwind right now and I don't know what to think or do--I'm lost.
And confused.

Endurance.

Music is just about the only thing that is keeping me sane at this point. School is already stressful as hell and I've only been back for two weeks.

I'd like everyone to know that I didn't cut last night. I'd also like everyone to know that I hate not being in control of my mind sometimes.
Part of me thinks that maybe if I go to a psych ward and get some help, that I can deal and get better. But another part of me knows that even if I go in, what do I say? How can I tell THEM what I'm thinking and what bothers me and all that shit, if I don't even know myself?
I don't understand why I do the things I do sometimes. I don't enjoy it...trust me, I don't. It's hard to be me...even though my life is so much better than a lot of other people. I know that for a fact. But the way I handle things and the way I deal with things is what makes it so hard on me. My personality just wants to rebel against EVERYTHING, right or wrong. It's annoying but I don't know how to change.

Also, I kind of wish my dad would read this. I still hate him for everything that he's put me through and I hate that he still won't fully accept responsibility and that he still partially blames me--or maybe fully, I don't know. But I feel like if everything he keeps saying is true, things might be okay? I just don't know.

Stress and Tension

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. I have like 100 math problems to do by Friday. My back hurts like hell. I wish I had my license already. And school sucks.
I have come to realize that for like the past two weeks, I've been in a bad mood, and have had bad days. Today kind of sucked.
I'm not feeling this right now. Maybe tomorrow.
Bye.

A Mile A Minute

My mind is racing so fast, it's hard to keep up sometimes. With everything happening at once, it's really hard to carry on sometimes.

I'm starting a blog because I think it'll be a good outlet for me. I don't know if I'll be successful in my attempts, but there is no harm in trying. I like thinking that I can say something, and people will read it because they want to--without it having to be some grand story or whatever.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure what the blog will be about, but I have some ideas. There are so many things that I could blog about, but I don't think combining it all into one blog is a good idea. I don't like looking back at past journals and reading the ramble of the day. It's kind of annoying. I want it to have a theme--a purpose even.

I've always been a great writer and I love doing it.
I am writing a book, but I'm stuck. It's so frustrating and I can't stand it. Part of me hopes that being in creative writing AND making a blog might help get my ball rolling again so that I can continue writing it.

I'm trying not to ramble here, but it looks as if I am. This is all for now. Help?